A Solemn Reminder

Today I was cleaning out my Google Reader Feed when I came across my old blog on LJ. I haven't updated it in over two years. It was largely an outlet for incoherent thoughts--a place to procrastinate when I was feeling silly.

Two entries in particular jumped out at me. If words could physically move you, I'm sure I would have fallen out of my chair.

I don't know what's more disturbing--the fact that these words are still true 2 1/2 years after the fact...or the fact that I seemed to have known...all along...that I was making a mistake.

See below:

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Una Domanda
Monday, October 15, 2007, 12:18:01 AM

What would happen if I failed?

Like really failed.

It's always the beginning
Sunday, September 23, 2007, 5:41:37 PM

Inevitably, I keep stumbling upon the same realization over and over again: I don't know who I am or where I'm headed.

The more time I devote to discovering answers to these questions, the more confused I become. I try to begin with my likes versus my dislikes. This should keep things simple and organized. The main problem here is that I don't even know what I really like anymore. I'm finding that my opinions are easily influenced by those of others around me. I admire strength in others, but feel it is lacking in my own life.

Perhaps I'm being too philosophical about everything, missing what is right in front of me while looking for the big picture.

What I fear is that I'm really losing myself in this world. I used to pride myself in knowing that I hadn't yet discovered my identity. Now I am questioning whether that pride was an excuse to stop looking. Perhaps I've always believed that my destiny would find me--that is the whole point of destiny, isn't it?

I don't know what I believe in. I desperately wish it were clearer to me.

My thoughts go round in circles. I cannot explain my reasoning to anyone. I remember for what I used to be passionate, but I forget the whenwherewhyhow.

I never wished more that I could go back in time, or at least stop it from moving forward.

The future--the real future--the future that comes after school--is in sight. I have never been so afraid of making a colossal mistake.

I don't want to go down the wrong path. I don't even know if there is a right path.

Teenage me was incredibly adamant about going to grad school right after undergrad--finishing my education as soon as possible in order to begin my "real" life. Just that I thought this way says so much about how I feel about school--while I love learning, it doesn't feel like living. I've been waiting for life to begin. I've been hiding behind homework. I can't picture what life without grades will look like.

Part of me wants to make teenage me proud--to go onto grad school, to be one of those people who knows what she wants and to achieve it at a young age. The rest of me knows that I have no idea, or at least incredibly mixed ideas about where I see myself in the future--so how could I possibly justify spending three or four more years and countless dollars on training...for something that confuses me so?I don't want to be a screw-up.

I don't want to be unhappy. I want to be great. I want to be successful. I want to be loved.

This is not the first time I've had these thoughts. It's a dysfunctional cycle. I come to the same conclusions, but I never do anything to change the process. I think I have no clue how to change things. I think I am too scared.

Applying to Teach For America is scaring the hell out of me. That's partly why I'm doing it. I'm not sure I actually believe I'm capable of teaching children one year from now. But at some point, I need to stop doing things that I know I can do, and start doing things that will challenge me. I guess that's the only way to grow...

I'm taking a web class for my journalism-media major. It makes me want to buy laurenbaideme.com. I want a blog. I want to use it to write about my interests. Maybe this will help me categorize and get to know myself better. It seems silly, doesn't it? But it also seems like it might be fun. I need something creative in my life that has nothing to do with homework. Maybe this can be it.

Of course, I'm not actually going to buy laurenbaideme.com. That requires money. For now I'll just use LJ.

I'm not sure if anyone will read this--if you do, feel free to throw your 2-cents in. Similar concerns--useful strategies--comments of any and all kinds.

KIT
LB

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I think I just found the beginning of my book. Thoughts?

<3
LB